moment the clock struck 20

 There is a distinct, quite terror in the final days of being 19 four months leading up to it. I carried a heavy invisible backpack filled with questions I didn’t know how to answer. What does an adult look like? How am I supposed to suddenly know how to navigate university, life responsibilities, and the share weight of the future? I half expected that when midnight arrived on my birthday, a sudden wave of profound maturity would wash over me neatly replacing my teenage anxiety is with a flawless manual on “How to be a grown up.”

But then…THE CLOCK STRUCK TWENTY.

The sky didn’t change colours. My room looked exactly the same. I woke up the next morning and I realised a jarring truth. I was officially a twenty-something, but I still felt entirely like me. The world hasn’t shifted overnight, but the threshold has been crossed. The adulting I had spent months dreading had officially begun, not with a loud band, but with the quiet ticking of a clock.

Shedding a Twelve-Year Skin

By the time, the familiar comfort of school had fully faded away. Those college door was suddenly right in front of me, awaiting to be stepped into. It felt entirely surreal. For more than twelve years, my life had been beautifully scripted. There was a uniform to wear every single morning, a bell that told me when to move and a comforting bubble where I cared least about what the world thought of me. 

Standing on the precipice of university, a deep hesitation settled in. Am I actually a college student now?

The realisation hit me, not as a celebration, but as a quite shock wave. School shields you; college exposes you to the open air. For the first time in my life, the safety nets were lowering. I was looking at a future where my decisions were entirely my own. No neatly scheduled timetables handed down by teachers. No parents managing the background noise of my life. It was just me, standing at the gates of adulthood, realising that from here on out I had to steer my own ship. It was intoxicatingly free, but…absolutely terrifying.

Looking back at that girl standing frozen at the university gates, I wish I could tap her on the shoulder and whisper a secret: You don't need to have a map to walk through the door.

My soft realisation came when I finally took that first step inside. It hit me that adulting isn’t about pass or fail, rather it is a practice. I didn't miraculously transform into a flawless, all-knowing grown-up the moment the clock struck twenty, and honestly? Thank goodness for that! I am still learning, still figuring out how to balance my independence, and still discovering who I am when the school uniform is gone. But I am doing it. And the fears that felt like giant mountains at nineteen have slowly turned into stepping stones at twenty.

To Everyone Standing at a New Door

It is completely okay to feel hesitant. It is entirely normal to look around and wonder if everyone else got the memo on "how to be an adult" while you missed it. (Spoiler alert- none of us have the memo). 

So let’s make a pact right here and right now. Let’s stop expecting ourselves to be perfectly bloomed adults overnight. Let’s give ourselves the grace to be beginners.